So its Valentine’s Day and you, your Sweetie and other loved ones are going to either confirm what you mean to each other or pretend for a day. Whatever the nature of your love, whether erotic, brotherly, mutual affections, friendships, BFF’s or Agape, it is all consummated in one thing, relationships. Now most people take relationships for granted but the truth is, if they are valuable to you, they require hard work, nurturing, cultivation, time and attention. That is not the focus of this thought, for that you would have to be at the RCC on Sunday or order a CD. I want to talk for a minute of the flipside, the things which are guaranteed to torpedo a relationship of any kind.

Abuse
Abuse comes in many forms, from violence, verbal assaults, silent treatments, withholding, and the one most of us like to practice, advantage taking. You see most of us are selfish by nature and love doesn’t come naturally to us. Our understanding of love is getting someone to meet our needs. Now a healthy relationship is one where each party has freely committed to meeting the needs of the other party or parties in the relationship.  Abuse occurs when one party does not have the character, discipline or love to respect the free choice of the other person or to fulfill their obligations in the relationship. Instead they take advantage of others who demonstrate a willingness to give without demanding much in return.

Betrayal
Nothing hurts like betrayal. I have a close friend who has been involved in almost everything I have been involved in. There was a time when I would not even consider them not being a part of whatever I had going on. If others did not want them around it was fine with me. I just simply withdrew because at the end of the day, I knew who my friend was. I remember when I first realized my friend did not grant me the same consideration. We were cool as long as they had nothing of their own going on but if they did I was most often left out. They would even say, look I wanted you there but you know so and so is calling the shots. Of course I felt betrayed, especially when I noticed it was a pattern and they did not feel any sense of obligation to me. Now I did not make a fuss but I made adjustments to our relationship and quite frankly it’s not the same. I could think of so many people who feel just as betrayed by me.

Conniving
To connive is to take active steps to manipulate the truth or perception to gain an advantage. The predominant means of conniving is manipulation. Connivers are always asking you questions about every detail of your life but never answering  your questions. They never give firm answers to what they will or won’t do because they are waiting for other people to declare themselves. You can never truly answer them with confidence because there is always something they are secretly after. It comes naturally so there’s no use in even bringing it to their attention. When caught they will accuse you of misunderstanding their noble intentions. Connivers can hold back information even from those closest to them. They are often afraid to give others the tools to play the games they love to play on others. The goal is to be in control as a means to overcoming insecurity or ensuring they have their way either as victors or victims.

I know you are thinking there is so much more that kills a relationship, but if you think of it, most of what you come up with, is linked in some way to one of these. So take time to learn your ABC’s this Valentine’s Day so that next time you won’t have to wonder if the love is real or just one big acting job for a day.

“It’s just a thought!”

EF

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