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An Open Letter to the African American Daughter
http://journals.aol.com/singwriteact2/TheDiasporaChronicles/
By Diane Cameron
© 2004 7K Publishing

There has been quite a lot of talk lately about reconciliation. Presidents and Governmental dignitaries offer apologies for a variety of atrocities seeking redemption and healing between nations and people. We often read accounts of Ambassadors of Peace brokering plans designed to heal conflicts and disputes nation to nation. Sunday mornings are full of men and women of the cloth guiding the misguided, lost and the weary to repentance and reconciliation to the Creator. One wonders if “apologizing” is the new “ethically correct” buzzword. It would be such a tragedy if it became the “it” thing to do devoid of real remorse.

I remember as a child whenever I was locked in a dispute with my playmates, my mother’s mode of resolution would be to scold me and demand I say “I’m sorry”, whether I was the guilty party or not. I recall saying those words out of obedience immediately going back to play forgetting why we had been in disagreement.

As I got older, it became much harder to ask for forgiveness for it was often peppered with me offering a hint of self-righteous justification. In latter days I would easily become my own lawyer vehemently defending myself, hold a juryless trial declaring my own innocence whenever accusations and blame were hurled in my direction. Its been said, “There are two sides to every story”, the only problem with this analogy is everyone believes theirs is the side that’s right.

So what did we do? We grew into adulthood skilled with a storehouse of defensive ways to persuade most folks into thinking we had it all together, explaining away our imperfections as simply personality quirks or eccentricities while having little to no tolerance for the weaknesses and frailties of others. As a teenager I remember keeping mental notes of what I perceived as gross injustices imposed on me by my mother. I remember thinking her sole purpose on earth was to make me miserable. Defiantly, I purposed in my heart to be the perfect mother, determined to avoid making the same "mistakes" with my children especially my daughters.

As an African American mother the task of raising daughters has its joys and challenges. There are pressures and issues akin only to African Americans as I am sure also exist in other nationalities, but I'm sharing with you from my perspective. As an adult I began to form trusting relationships with other Sisters and found that they too started out the parental journey with the same determinations of being perfect parents raising perfect children.

I would love to ascribe to you that I've received a PHD with possible induction in the Mother's Hall of Fame, but alas, I didn't get enough votes. In fact, I found the more I tried to avoid recreating the painful, the unpleasant and just down right miserable influences for my daughters, the more I failed. How did this happen? Why isn't there a handbook? What happened to my good intentions? Don't they count?

I remembered the words of that brave African President apologizing to nations for deeds that happened 400 years before he was born. So I pondered that if I would apologize to all African American Daughters for the pain and heartache they have been subjected to on behalf of well meaning mothers and mothers who didn’t know how to mean well, it would initiate our own personal healing process.

The infractions listed below were the top twenty-four confessions derived and compiled after conferring with other African American Mothers who too were seeking forgiveness of their daughters. Some of you may find this list offensive while many of you may see yourselves. It doesn't matter; I am not trying to win a literary contest with this narrative. Just as I was admonished to say, "I'm sorry" in childhood disputes, this writing is penned with the same sense of duty. Many daughters, no matter where they are now in life, have felt this way at some point in their lives and I feel it is my calling as a writer and an African American Mother to apologize to every daughter for myself, mothers who can't and to those who won't. Some of these "sins" I have committed, some I have not, many I am quite appalled by and all I am ashamed of.... but they are here in black and white. If you see yourself... free yourself.

A Prayer of Confession for African American Mothers

1. Forgive me for all the times I ignored you and was too busy to hear your cry
2. Forgive me for the men you have had to call "Uncle" who were not really related to us
3. Forgive me for favoring your siblings who were "lighter" in color than you or had” better" hair
4. Forgive me for telling you to "just say no"...while I ignored my own advice
5. Forgive me for birthing you so young it forced others to raise you
6. Forgive me for blaming you for something you didn’t do
7. Forgive me that we have never had the same last name
8. Forgive me for not loving you enough
9. Forgive me that you have had to visit and talk to me thru prison bars
10. Forgive me that I have never told you about your father...
11. Forgive me for leaving you alone at night while I went out and partied
12). Forgive me for not preparing you to be a woman
13. Forgive me for living a lifestyle that caused you to be a woman too soon
14). Forgive me that you were never able to tell me that you were raped
15). Forgive me for not noticing you were being abused
16). Forgive me for all the time we had to move and have our utilities shutoff
17). Forgive me for all the times I drank too much and embarrassed you
18). Forgive me for not being supportive so you wouldn’t think abortion was the only way
19). Forgive me for all the PTA and School Events that I didn't attend
20. Forgive me for commenting negatively on your weight
21. Forgive me for every word spoken over you that damaged your self-esteem
22). Forgive me for being so busy with my career that I ignored your needs
23). Forgive me for not praying with you enough and in some cases not at all
24). Forgive me that even now we still are strangers, and if one single act could symbolize how much I love you, I would bathe in the tears I have caused you to shed.

Dear African American Daughters... You are precious, you are a Queen, and have overcome many setbacks. Please forgive every transgressor and transgression committed against you, and then you will find healing for yourselves. We love you, I love you and God loves you. You are a survivor, an over comer and deserving of so much more than I was able to give. As you become a mother, let the fruit of your womb call you blessed. Collectively, we are sorry. Forgive me. Forgive us.

Signed,
Every Mother

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